The Next Step to Wiggles World

We, the people of Tennessee, exceedingly regret to inform you, our most beloved public, that our operative's attempt to restrain Dr. Wiggles and return him to Purgatory was, unfortunately, unsuccessful. The crappy professor remains at large, and he is making it a regular habit to invade our colleges and universities and cause valuable students to think quite seriously about killing themselves-that, or continue their tic-tac-toe marathons. It is rumored that Dr. Wiggles has reached new, unheard-of heights of despicableness by making his students write four page papers in two days and give two speeches on the same day while he sits searching for words for an inordinate amount of time. We, the people of Tennessee and the ASPCA, are currently in the process of developing a super secret plan, which involves the cooperation of the Central Intelligence Agency. Their super spy will infiltrate one of Dr. Wiggles' classrooms, and hopefully apprehend him without a single Luther-comment fired. It is a dangerous mission, but one that must be completed. The success of this mission is vital for several reasons: not only must the safety and sanity of Dr. Wiggles' students be respected and saved, but his apprehension is necessary for the preservation Earth in its entirety. The man is far too likely to trip on something and start a nuclear war. The CIA is also working out of grudging sympathy for Barney the Purple Dinosaur, Dr. Wiggles' close companion and bosom friend during his wanderings with Virgil in Purgatory. Barney misses his friend desperately-they did so enjoy singing stupid songs together and playing patty-cake. So if anyone has any information at all regarding the current whereabouts of Dr. Wiggles, they are begged to come forward immediately.