Give It Up

I just wanted to let anyone know that's been praying for me that God finally managed to get through to me last night. The entire semester, I've been fighting this dumb, stupid fear that absolutely would not let me alone. I truly believe the Enemy has been behind the constant attack I've been facing. It's somewhat stupid, and I'm a little embarrassed to blog about it, but....I've been scared absolutely senseless this entire semester that I would never be loved and that I was going to die old and alone. Kind of silly, right? Well, believe it or not, that's what's been running through my brain almost nonstop for so many weeks. However, last night due to some family drama, I was up fairly late, and all of a sudden, something miraculous happened. I actually found myself thinking, for just a minute, I am so glad that I never dated. This is major progress for me-I always saw the fact that I had never dated as some kind of failure, an acknowledgement that I was unlovable and that no one would ever see anything of worth in me. But for just a minute, I was able to wonder if maybe the problem wasn't with me after all. Maybe, just maybe, the problem lay in the fact that I wasn't willing to leave the problem with God and allow Him to guide the right man into my life. Shocking, right? However, this led to a deeper problem. I didn't trust God. It was too big an issue to leave to someone sitting up in heaven, who undoubtedly knew what was best for me, but whose plan would also undoubtedly contain pain and possibly loneliness. How pitiful is that, that I didn't trust the maker of the universe-my own maker? Before you start judging me, though, take a second and see what you don't trust Him with....you might be surprised. But in any case, God broke through my fear and with His help, I think I've finally let go of the fear. Satan's not happy about it, and he's still casting the thoughts into my mind. But I have help fighting it now....and I can say as truly as I'm capable of being that I'm trusting God to lead me in this. I truly hope that I won't be one of those woman that doesn't marry until she's fifty...and I hope even more that I won't be one of those woman that remains single all her days. However, I'm going to do my best to rejoice in being single at the moment, because that's what God wants me to be right now. His timing is best.