Coroner's Report

Disclaimer: The following message is written entirely as a satire-meaning that it's merely sarcastic. The author wishes to assure her audience that she does not actively bear ill will towards the following individual. Thank you. We, the people of Tennessee, are sad to report the tragic and entirely deserved death of one Dr. Wiggles. The said doctor, being a professor, died of completely unnatural causes this evening while sitting in his office tweedling his thumbs and making up new ways to torture his students. Apparently, nursery rhyme ideas, long silences, and accusations of cheating weren't quite doing enough for him. It is the belief of this office that a disgruntled student, who remains unidentified, walked into Dr. Wiggle's office and made him watch fourteen straight hours of "Mr. Roger's Neighborhood" before slipping cyanide into his coffee. It is believed that Dr. Wiggles is now being guided by Virgil into Purgatory to a specially designated place, where he will learn how to properly pronounce "Dante" and "Evan" before he is allowed to pass into Bliss. If anyone has any information regarding the identity of his attacker, they are asked to come forward. The other students in Dr. Wiggle's class wish to offer him/her a reward.