Coroner's Report: Revised

We, the people of Tennessee, are completely befuddled to have to report a strange occurrence for which there was no warning. Something has taken place that has never yet happened before, in this world, or even a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Somehow during his long sojourn in Purgatory, Dr. Wiggles managed to wander away from his divine guide, Virgil, while Virgil was discussing the depths of human reason with Bono and Paris Hilton. Using only sheer very dumb luck, Dr. Wiggles blundered back into the human realm and arrived to torment his classroom once again. However, he had new tools this time. Not only did he continue his useful curriculum of long silences and enough mispronounced words to cause a red pen to bleed to death, but he gleefully handed out grades on papers that he hadn’t read, praised the stupidest person in the classroom, and made very intelligent people feel as if they had had concrete poured in their ears. The students tried everything to keep their sanity intact, but alas, the usual weapons were powerless. Not even humming the Sesame Street theme could save them, and they have been left rubbing their eyes in compulsive movements in an attempt to ward off sleep and muttering mysterious platitudes under their breaths. Being horrified at the idea of such an abomination to the entire human race, a man that can only be described as a pestilential zombie, being in their midst, the people of this honored office have decided to take decisive action. They have therefore hired someone to find Dr. Wiggles, and gently place him in a cozy white coat, after which he will be escorted back to Virgil's loving care. The success of this venture remains to be seen, but the public is respectfully requested to pray for that brave individual tonight. Perhaps, if enough people bring this situation to the ear of God, the situation may yet be resolved.