Running Commentary

When I finally stumbled out of bed this morning at ten o'clock in a haze induced by an absurdly late night and the Coca Cola Company, I went downstairs only find that my mom had the Tournament of Roses parade on. I remember being absurdly bored by those things when I was a kid, but it was vaguely interesting this morning in my less than peppy state. It became even more interesting when I started imagining turning off the boring as sin* commentary and having Alyce and me be the commentators instead of Al Roker and what's-her-name-you-know-the-blond-chickie. 

(*On a side note, where do you think the phrase "boring as sin" came from? I find sin distinctly un-boring in its very essence. Sin involves intrigue and plot and humiliation and melodramatic repentance. Shouldn't the phrase be "boring as sainthood" or something like that? It would even have the same acronym. You've just been given a valuable insight into the way my mind works...run, Bucky. Run like a chill autumn breeze.)

Okay, so picture if you will *Twilight theme plays, the Twilight utterly lacking in hot vampires, of course* a lovely float coming down the road. It is decked in flowers and a girl is sitting on a throne. She is wearing a tiara and a long white dress. Her court is just below her, wearing purple dresses and smaller tiaras.

Katie: Annnnnd here we go with the annual Tournament of Roses Parade, ladies and germs! I'm Katie Johnson!

Alyce: *wicked grin* And I'm Alyce don't-you-wish-you-knew-my-last-name-you-pervs! And we're live in California, sitting in this ridiculous booth thing that makes it look like we're being carted off to marry a Rajah in exchange for twenty camels, a gay elephant, and some diamonds! 

Katie: Too true, my fine friend, but just keep in mind that if our nice Indian rich camel dude gets irritating, we can go all Aristophanes on his hide! But back down to business. Down the road is coming the Queen-mobile, the more well-known Pope-mobile having been rented out for Spain's own parade of roses! Our Parade Queen was chosen this year in the midst of far too much fuss and blather and enough hairspray to dissolve the mythological ozone layer. Look at her smiling down there! They probably smeared Vaseline on her teeth so that she could grin and wave like Parade Barbie all five miles of the route.

Alyce: You know it's true, Katie, this chica clearly needs a better agent. And get a load of that boulder on her head! No, wait, sorry, that's her hair. Tsk, tsk.

Katie: Well, that tiara could probably feed an entire third world country for a year if you hocked it, Alyce. Get a load of her court down there, though!

Alyce: That Queenie had better watch her back when she goes to the powder room, that's all I gotta say. You can definitely tell which one is the runner-up, it's the plastic doll in too much eyeshadow down there fondling a knife that's hidden in a leg sheath, she looks like she's gotten a cramp from running or something...

Katie: *shuffling papers* It says here that I'm supposed to say that they take special classes to learn how to wave. Imagine some sweet little guy that's light in the loafers clapping his hands and saying...

Alyce: *cutting in* Do I have to imagine this? It's scary.

Katie: *glaring* Yes, you have to, now shut it. Ahem, as I was saying, imagine him clapping his hands and saying, "Now, ladiesss, ladiesss, let's pleassse try and pay attention! All right, now, girlsss, wave the hand to the right...on the beat, that'sss right...now to the left. To the right. Keep going....oh, Angie, really! You look like a bus windshield wiper! Let'sss channel ssssome Queen Elizabeth, now, sweetiesss! Make Betty proud, make her bloody proud! To the right...to the left...very good! Don't forget to breathe, girlsss, that'sss very important! In and out...in and out....great lung action, Kelsey! Hawt stuff, ladiesss!"

Alyce: *blinks* I was right. Very scary. 

Katie: I know, right?

Alyce: Oh, and this float contraption doo-hickey was made with some obscene amount of expensive roses that nobody knows the name of. I hope no guys get into trouble this weekend. There won't be a rose available anywhere in the city! Those doghouses are gonna be filled to the brim this weekend...

....After careful consideration, I guess I should say that it's a very good thing we're not parade commentators. Although it would be as fun as all get out.

Alyce: Right on!