A good and dear friend to this honored blog, a personage known throughout the infinite realms of the blogosphere as "Scribbles" has read the past few posts and has issued a request. After having read "Back to School -- whoopee" and "Hey, ho, to the washer I go," Scribbles has expressed her admiration for my small army of backpack dwarfs and wishes to have some to call her own.
Well, that request has spawned a whole line of personal care magical creatures! Don't forget that these products are available exclusively from Out of the Ashes, Inc. Don't expect to see them in stores!
Thanks to our new and convenient catalogue, you can get one or more of the following exciting products:
The Original Backpack Dwarf: Between six and ten inches of height, these delightful, yet slightly sullen, little helpers are worth their weight in gold! Simply slip them into the backpack or suitcase of your choice, and they'll go to work with a will! They'll toss the old gum wrappers, straighten your binder, and show you a lot of love in between the heckling.
The Miniature Backpack Dwarf: Perfect for purses or those stylish evening clutches! But be careful -- their small three inches of height can make them easily lost between your wallet and compact. Despite their size*, they pack quite a punch, and will make sure that you never lose a napkin with some hot guy's number on it again! They make a perfect Christmas or birthday gift for the special girl in your life.
*Senior purchasers beware: The Miniature Backpack Dwarf has a very high voice due to its highly convenient small stature. It is liable to set off your hearing aids. Out of the Ashes, Inc. is not responsible for any damages this might cause.
Dust Gremlins: Let these babies loose in a dusty room and come back in an hour to sparkling clean perfection! These magical beings eat the dust that clogs your sinuses and vents, so they're both productive and good for the environment! Coming in packs of ten, fifteen, and ten thousand for our more wealthy patrons, you're always sure to find the perfect size for you and your family.
Freshly Caught Cornish Pixies: For the Harry Potter lover in your household! Everyone's got one, after all! These tiny masters of mayhem are perfect for the practical joke lover. Let them go in an OCD person's home and watch the chaos ensue as they tip bookcases, roll bedrooms, and light fires!
Disclaimer: Hermione with magic stunning spell not included. Available for purchase separately.
Ballistic Bathroom Kraken: Not nearly as scary as it sounds! After you've taken your shower or bath in the morning, uncork the bottle and let this fear of the wide blue yonder out to do its worst...with soap scum and mildew! Its powerful limbs are covered with super suckers and sponges that squeegee your bathroom to a whole new definition of clean. No germ is a match for the Ballistic Bathroom Kraken! Be the envy of all your friends with this little beastie, and show the shower head what's what. It'll never make fun of your singing again!
Aerial Ariels: After having been imprisoned in the cloven pine of your choice, these airy sprites are the perfect air fresheners! Let them out of our custom made and attractive shipping logs and let 'em fly! They'll fill any room, no matter how large it is, with a scent that hearkens back to the forest. Pick your favorite scent and prepare to be amazed! Aerial Ariels come in almond, pine, magnolia, and Bradford pear scents.
Lavender scented Aerial Ariels: coming soon!
Please leave your orders under the comment box, and they will be filled as fast as our alien handlers can get them boxed. Please indicate after your order whether you would prefer light speed, airplane, or snail back for your preferred shipping method.
4 comments:
::gavel bangs::
"This meeting of the Mystical Association of the Great Institute for Cleaning will come to order! As president of M.A.G.I.C. I would like to take a moment to personally welcome the representatives for President Puck of Mock-Ithilien to our great Island of Pseudo-Rivendell!"
::applause::
"Now as you all are well aware, our business has been growing with quite the great leaps, bounds, and spreads of fairy wings. We officially complete business for this quarter well inside the black for the fourth consecutive year"
::more applause::
"Unfortunately, such wonderful advancements have drawn a great deal of attention to ourselves, which brings us to the present issue. My friends, we are being exploited! No longer shall we be able to rule with our own gentle hand of autocracy over our own organization! Since the recent hostile takeover of Queen Katie over the private functionings of M.A.G.I.C. we have seen a sharp increase in uses of our resources for unauthorized and non-researched peoples of whom we know nothing about. Friends! This cannot continue! Our very sugarplum minds and dispositions may be at stake! After lunch this afternoon, I will move for a vote on the issue of either re-location, or a petition to the great entity Katie. We are hereby adjourned for one hour!"
::gavel bangs::
I'll take one Ballistic Bathroom Kraken, two Aerial Ariels, and an Original Backpack Dwarf please!
Bobby! You make me feel like such a jerk!
*clears throat*
Ladies and gentlemen and honored mystical beings of M.A.G.I.C., greetings. I present myself to you personally as a token of friendship and goodwill. I am the honored leader of Pseudo-Rivendell, Queen Katie. Please know, comrades of the imaginary realm, that it was never my intention to exploit your uses and ways of life.
I submit to you the proposition that all works of the Out of the Ashes, Inc. be monitored by a representative of M.A.G.I.C. I will have nothing to do with the election of said representative.
I also promise that any and all grievances will be addressed with all the swiftness and wisdom of which I am capable. I hope that these gestures of sincere regret and hope for the future from me will help the relations between our sovereign nations. It has never, and shall never be a goal of mine to see that the world of magic is used against its will. Quite the contrary, for I wish to preserve this world which so few truly see for all that it is, humans being dreadfully shortsighted and deaf.
At this time, I also wish to announce that all proceeds of the Out of the Ashes corporation will go to the restoration of Atlantis, this long being a treasure of the magical world that has been utterly ignored to its detriment.
I have no wish to be a dictator. If my dear friends and colleagues that are represented here feel themselves to be oppressed in any way, I ask them to come forward, and restitution will be joyfully given. I am far too busy to guide Out of the Ashes, Inc., effectively on my own, so I am also open to the possibility of M.A.G.I.C. being given back much of its managerial powers. My own realm, Pseudo-Rivendell, needs me too much to be its Guide and Protector to allow me to participate in a capitalist lifestyle.
As you can see, you have no need for a vote or relocation. Please let me know if you have any further concerns. Thank you very much.
*waits nervously for response*
::crowd murmurs, gavel bangs, everyone settles and looks at the president, who is visibly surprised::
"Well, this is certainly unexpected! This makes things much easier! I believe it would make perfect sense to establish a liaison between our offices through which to communicate. After all, Your Majesty, your business is what gives our business such good...business! All of those in favor?"
::the resounding chorus:: "AYE!"
"All opposed?"
::crickets::
"Motion carries! We are most pleased that such a reasonable solution can be found! We are now adjourned!"
::gavel bangs, excited murmuring::
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