The Religious 500

Church just amuses me sometimes. I love sitting somewhere inconspicuous and watching people and the accepted social habits and intricate relationships of average churchgoers. There's always some kind of drama going on.

The choosing of seats, for example, is like a parody of the Indianapolis 500. Despite the fact that I've never watched racing, I imagine it to be something like this.

"Annnnd here we go, folks, another round of the Running of the Sanctified! Let's have a look at the racers today. To our left is the Wilson family. A sturdy vehicle, the Wilson team boasts of  two parents, four Bibles, three small children, and a loving grandmother who wants to hug every single person in the congregation! The Wilsons usually sit down front on the left hand side, where the children are forced to behave themselves. However, there is a small fly in their proverbial ointment: coming in from the back door five minutes late is the Parrish couple! The Parrishes are newly-weds, and are unfamiliar of the seating charts of Sweet River Church. The rest of the congregation has left the Wilson's pew unoccupied out of respect and a desire to protect themselves from righteous ire. The Wilsons and the Parrishes are taking their places at the starting line now....Mrs. Wilson is revving her engine as hard as she can....and the flag falls and they're off! 

"The Wilsons are in the lead, as the Parrishes are hesitating at the door....this is unfamiliar territory for them, after all! Wilsons are leading...leading...and they're stymied as a small child runs in for a hug from the grandmother! The Parrishes are in the lead now, and they've spotted all that available space down front of the sanctuary. They cast longing looks at the filled back row, and then begin to make the circuit. They're making their move...oh, no! Mrs. Parrish's no-fat latte cup has sprung a leak! They're held up as Mr. Parrish, looking annoyed, takes the cup to the garbage can. The Wilsons have used this opportunity to make their way down the center aisle, but they don't make it very far when they realize that Little Suzie has wandered off again! Mrs. Wilson is trying to get a clear answer out of her other children about their sister's whereabouts, but all she's getting is 'I dunno.' 

"The Parrishes are easing closer...and closer....oh, sweet pickles! Mr. Parrish's Bible has dumped all of his fliers and bulletins all over the floor. The pressure is really on now as the choir files into their places on the stage...one of these families must get to the pew soon, or they'll face the humiliation of still standing in the middle of the aisle while the pastor is trying to pray! 

"These two groups are really racing now folks...look how red Mrs. Wilson's face is...the grandmother is picking up the pace....both racers are at the mouth of the pew...WHO COULD HAVE PREDICTED THIS? FAITHFUL FRIENDS HAVE SAVED THE WILSONS' PLACE! THEY'VE WON THE RACE! 

"The Parrishes are slinking down further front where they will be easily noticed by the pastor...they are defeated. We've gotta sign off now, folks, the prelude is beginning. See you all next year!"