Effie's Paleolithic Brain Capacity

Dear friends, who remembers the saga of Dr. Wiggles? Raise your hands, that I might make a tally of your numbers. I remember those days vividly, if not fondly.

I come to you now with a whole new union of stupidity and a college professorship.

The fun continues in World Civilization I. We'd gotten as far last week as the guy saying that he'd taken both American and U.S. history, correct? Well, folks, I have all new gems for you in this installment of Effie's World! Don't touch that dial, we've got a real treat for you tonight.

Our story begins with three friends sitting at the back table of the classroom. They are Rachel, Lyndsey and myself. We begin as the picture of perfect students, surely an example to all. Our pens are at the ready in our eager hands, our textbooks are opened, and we are attentively, perhaps even enthusiastically, awaiting the lecture of our teacher, who is known affectionately (*shifty eyes*) throughout the school as Effie.

One of her earliest questions was on the nature of myths. Dear friends, for those of you who do not know, I, Katie, love mythology. I've actually been researching graduate programs for Mythology and Folklore. I am by no means omniscient in this realm, but I do know a tad about the subject. My mother was wonderful in this area, teaching my siblings and I about mythology very early in our lives. The information has been invaluable, for it applies to everything from history to Shakespeare.

But I digress. The point is that mythology and I are very good friends. Effie asked the class for a definition of what myths are. The more brilliant answers she received were along the lines of , "Uhh....aren't they stories?" "They're stories, that, uh, have, like, a lesson."

Ahem. Thank you, Mr. Verbose and Ms. Grandiloquence.

I finally got irritated and raised my hand. I was called upon and I stated simply that myths are an answer to a question. Myths exist for the simple purpose of giving an object or phenomenon that appears to be incomprehensible some meaning. My friends, I brag not when I say that I got applause. Everybody was going, ohhh, so THAT'S what a myth is! What a great explanation!

Effie looked irritated. I won't attempt to expound on the reasons for her unlikely wrath.

However, things went downhill from there. Ms. Jones is probably proficient enough in her own subject in certain situations, but I, um, question her teaching skills. The class is very disorganized. She bounced from place to place without either a discernible grammar structure or lesson plan. Worse still, if such things can be ranked, was the noise level. People were talking back and forth, jocks were networking, and there was no attempt at order or respect at all. Nobody could follow what was going on in the class, and it was very difficult to concentrate. However, the questions continued to be of the most kindergarten sort. Lyndsey was eventually joking that the three of us should get Jeopardy buzzers and shout out the answers to the question as fast as we could. Needless to say, I am now greatly improved in my Connect Four playing abilities. At one point, Rachel was requesting that I teach a class on mythology. She eventually pulled out her Hemingway book and started reading under the table. I started reading my textbook. It proved to be more informative than the class.

However, one aspect of the class was truly disturbing in a slightly hilarious sort of way. One boy raised his hand. I offer this transcript of the conversation that followed.

Boy: Ms. Jones, I have a stupid question.
Effie: There is no stupid question.
Class: *nods wisely*
Boy: Were the cavemen before or after Jesus?
Lyndsey and me: *under our breaths* There are stupid questions.

I seriously put my head down on the table and almost started to cry. My first reaction was self pity for having to endure this class in the first place. The deeper emotion, though, was pity for that poor, poor boy. Imagine going through life with such ignorance! The Jewish culture at the time of Jesus was multifaceted, and not at all primitive in the caveman-dragging-woman-by-the-hair sense. At the time of Jesus, there were mathematics, an extremely complicated law structure, empires, military science, philosophy, and music. How could you be so backward to even lump Jesus and "cavemen" in one question? I'm truly, honestly sorry that such a question made it to the college classroom. I'm sorry for anyone that has such a small thirst for knowledge that they did not know this or have the logic to work it out on their own.

But I am glad that the boy asked the question. It proved that he was curious, and honestly wanted to know the answer. I'm more sorry for the ones that sat quietly and let him sacrifice himself when they didn't know the answer, either.

Stay tuned. There's another class tomorrow which involves a test. Oh, goody. I'm sure to come home with more juicy tidbits for you all to enjoy! When you pray tonight, be sure to ask God if Jesus clubbed Mary Magdalene over the head before or after her conversion.