General Warnings to the World as Learned Through Yesterday's Events

1.) To the little birdie that delights in standing on my air conditioner unit at five in the morning and singing to greet the dawn, this warning: While what you are doing may be faintly romantic, it is undeniably disrupting to the old REM cycle. Continue in your present course, and I can assure you that you will be cat food.

2.) To those people that think blasting air horns at graduation, I caution you this: There are usually grandparents in the audience, trying to enjoy watching their descendants pass through the easiest part of life and into the next phase of their existence. If you think using air horns and whistles while sitting right behind them is wise, you have no one but yourself to blame if you give them a heart attack. Not to mention the fact that when you have succeeded in giving me a migraine, I will have absolutely no hesitation in grabbing a yearbook from my mom and beating you upside the head with it. The choice is up to you.

3.) To all the lovely fathers that decide to wait until the last minute to purchase Mother’s Day gifts—I WILL laugh out loud at you when I pass the card aisle at Target and see no less than ten fathers there all trying desperately to find something half decent to give their wives. Just don’t try and make it one of those amusing cards that usually begins: At least you…

I can assure you that if you tell the mother in your life that at least the third eye on the back of her head doesn’t need contacts or something else asinine, you will NOT be getting those golf clubs on Father’s Day that your kids will cheerfully perjure themselves to say they bought for you.