Learning Slowly

Most of you know that I have been struggling pretty heavily this past year with my future, most especially, with my future partner in life. Thankfully, God has been gently working with me to remove this fear and to make me realize that His time is truly best. However, I did find myself pretty depressed the day that we were in Magic Kingdom. The whole place smacks of love and happily ever afters, which I haven't found yet. It was the hardest when we were (miraculously-I'll tell that story later) able to meet three of the Disney princess, Cinderella (my personal favorite), Belle, and Sleeping Beauty. The actresses were perfectly lovely and did a great job with their roles. However, the experience was an excessively bitter one for me, because I was sitting there watching them coo over Jordan and talk about Shelby's prince, after which they would invariably look at me and ask if my prince was there as well. No, I would smile, haven't found him yet. But their manners just seemed to say that by this point in my life, I should have a prince, and that not having one was some sort of deficiency on my part. Of course, these rather extreme feelings on my part passed and I was able to enjoy the rest of the trip.

Still, the echoes of this were still with me when we stopped at a lovely, lonely beach on our way back home. I was standing there looking at the endless beauty before me, and I haven't experienced such peace in a long time. I've always associated the ocean with heaven for some reason, probably due to Tolkein's influence on me. It's endless, unfathomable, and leads to places unknown.

In any case, I was standing there just trying to figure things out. And I could feel God gently speaking to me, prompting me. "Katie, this is dumb," He seemed to say. "You are strong enough on your own, and your self-worth is not defined by whether you have a "prince" or not. I love you, and that's enough." As of course I must, I was forced to acknowledge the truth in this, and I finally felt a sense of release. I picked up a seashell that was lying there, and threw it out into the water, telling God that I was letting go of this fear as much as I could. A minute later, another shell washed up at my feet. It was smaller than the one I had let go, and a little jagged. Still, I tried to break it in my hands, and it was too strong. It was a small promise, but one that He would not break. He would be enough for me, whether I ever found my Prince Charming or not.

Strangely, since then I've found that I haven't been bothered by my single status nearly as much. I find myself almost hourly grateful that I've never dated, because I know that by the time when, and if, God brings that special gentleman in my life, I will be heart whole. Purity is about so much more than body, it's also your mind and heart. I don't care if I only date one man in my entire life-dating has never been about conquests to me. It's been about finding your soul mate. Apparently I'm not ready yet, in which case I will do my best to wait patiently and ask God to continue to teach me the lessons I need to be worthy of whatever future He brings me.