A Note to All You Crazy Kids Out There that Want to Be Stalkers When You Grow Up

No, I do not mean stalker in the creepy-hide-behind-blinds-and-record-videos-of-you-singing-in-the-shower sense of the word. This is a serious entry that's going to advance the lot of mankind, folks. If you perform certain actions toward me, I will henceforth dub you a stalker. Anyway, if you think you might like to be a stalker someday, this note is for you!

First, I suppose I should clarify just what a stalker is to all you ignorant folks. Here are some helpful hints that might help in the classification process. If you have four or more of these qualities, you should probably take a long, deep look inside yourself and abstain from your computer for a while. (That is, of course, if you don't want to be a stalker. If that is, in fact, your career goal in life, then by all means! Do please continue on your present course!)

To find out if you are a stalker, ask yourself the following questions:

1.) Do you spend inordinate amounts of time on facebook?

2.) Do you send friend requests to friends of friends, aka, to girls you've never met or only met once before?

3.) After being accepted as friend, do you begin to comment on every single item on their page?

4.) Do you think that talking once online makes you and said girl the absolutely perfect partners for one another in life?

5.) Do you feel that you have been rejected often, and thus have an oh-woe-is-me-all-girls-are-scum-if-she-could-only-see complex?

6.) During your conversations, do you automatically assume that either everything the girl says is a flirtation, or that everything she says is putting you down?

If so, then, by golly! Welcome to the stalker biz! Pull up your chair, err, computer desk, 'cause we've got a lot to cover. Here are some tips for those prospective stalkers are there. Hear and heed, and you may get to stay in the same creeptastic position for the rest of your days!

1.) Start out the conversation with lots of compliments, especially if you don't mean them. She'll never be able to tell the difference, and then she'll probably fall all over herself for you! Go you!

2.) Share your entire life story, including past sexual encounters and break-ups, in one breath. Chicks dig that. Hardcore.

3.) After you've talked for a mere five minutes, there inevitably comes the (duh duh duhhhh!!!!!) awkward silence. This is the signal that she's dying on the other end, waiting for you -- you hot stud, you -- to ask her out! By no means should you think that she's waiting for you to shut up and leave her alone. Oh, no. This is your chance! Leap for it!

4.) When the girl asks for a rain check or doesn't reply, ask considerately what the problem is with you guys "just getting to know one another. As friends, strictly, of course." It'll make her think that you're one of those strong yet sensitive types if you act like you care about her problems or hang ups. After all, it's not like she doesn't want to go out with you! Duh!

5.) Gasp! She turned you down? Seriously? No way, Jose! She said she was uncomfortable with that whole meeting you alone thing or whatever? Well, then, ha! You are free to show your true colors now and begin cursing and hounding her, saying that she is sexist, shallow, and an idiot for guarding her heart. That's very bad for a girl to do, obviously.

6.) When she starts to get squiffy right back at you, or threatens to sic her brother on your butt, back off of the hostility for a minute. Now is the time to use the guilt trip. It's one of your most powerful weapons, boys, so make sure you wait for the opportune moment. Make her think that she's the most despicable of creatures for ever not seeing that you guys are absolutely perfect! Work it, fellows, work it. She's obviously blind to the fact that you are an amazing piece of manflesh. Point out the fact that she's being short sighted not to see you in all your glory. Lay on the shame!

7.) Oh, I forgot to tell you earlier: be sure and have grammatical and spelling errors in ALL your messages. She'll be so busy editing it in her head that she'll completely miss the fact that you're a grade A jerk!

8.) When she turns you down for the last time, get huffy, sign off, and then proceed to tell all your mutual friends what a witch-with-a-B she is. That's sure to get her to come crawling back! Never forget, stalkers: You are pure awesomeness. Even though it seems like she doesn't want you, it only seems that way. It's all an act, big guy. Don't fall for it!

9.) By all means, give up after the first time. If nothing else will convince her of the heartfelt, sincere nature of your devotion, this sure will! She won't be thanking her lucky stars for escaping you at all.

10.) Finally, repeat the above process with the next girl in line, preferably a friend of the girl who was dumb enough to not want you. And then the next girl and the next girl and then the next girl... You're awesomeness! Someday you'll find that special girl that gets you! And she'll probably be one that you can order around and stuff, too, you lucky dog.

The sad part of all this? Yeah. Firsthand, personal experience.