Some Lessons on Cowardice

"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around?"
-Kathleen, "You've Got Mail"

All right, Mom, here's my continuation of earlier. This quote from "You've Got Mail" has always grabbed my attention. I do wonder about my life being empty because I've never been brave enough to do so many things. But is my life truly empty, if the things I'm not brave enough to do obviously don't matter enough for me to overcome cowardice? A knotty problem, this.

I've always been more comfortable with books and movies than with new experiences. I hate doing anything without first knowing EXACTLY what is expected of me and EXACTLY what is going to happen. Still, I had a new experience this past weekend in spite of myself. I bit the bullet, and drove all the way to Murfeesboro all by myself to visit Alyce and her friends. Let me put this into proportion for you: I hadn't regularly started driving on the interstate until last semester. I've never traveled anywhere by myself. I've never just packed up and gone somewhere without methodically planning every single aspect of whatever it is that I'm doing. Oh, and have I mentioned that I positively loathe driving in the rain? So, as you can tell, this was a TOTALLY out-of-character thing for me to do.

Still, it was a freeing experience. I packed a bag, got directions from Alyce, and drove without a single problem nearly four hours away by myself--in the driving rain, too. I didn't get lost, mugged, or have my car die on me. It was almost boring! I was able to meet my friend Mary face-to-face for the first time, which was amazing. I was able to meet and judge for myself the suitability of Alyce's new boyfriend. (He's marvelous, by the way.) All in all, it was a very illuminating trip. I didn't even get lost until I got BACK in Memphis! Only I could do that.

However, it was during this trip that I realized something. I, Katie Johnson, am shy. I had no idea that I was shy. Usually, I'm fairly outgoing when I'm with my friends and I certainly don't have a problem with being the center of attention. When I was put in the middle of this entirely new group of people, however, I literally sat in a corner for a good portion of the time. It wasn't that they were unfriendly or that I disliked any of them. I just found that I enjoyed myself better if I could sit in a quiet place and merely observe what was going on around me. Some of that I attribute to being a writer. But I was truly amazed at how little I wanted anyone to notice me. It turns out that my life is fairly small and quiet not because I am a coward, but because I am shy. You have no idea what a relief that was to me to discover! I'm not an idiot, and I don't lack courage. I just would rather sit and become comfortable with the situation before I start pushing myself forward. I live this way because I like it.

I also realize that there is absolutely nothing wrong with living a small life. Not everyone can be a superstar. I'm not sure that the world could handle many more Britney Spearses! I actually find that I don't mind being "the woman behind the curtain." As long as I am useful and needed by a few people, as long as my life is serving some purpose, then I am content.